So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
