im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Randomize
