we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
