I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
