Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Randomize
