Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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