There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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