Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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