drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
