So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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