Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
