Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
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you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
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He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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