All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
