Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
