Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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