I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
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He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
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So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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