I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
