just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
