Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
