All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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