I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
