if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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