I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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