why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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