i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
