my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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