Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
