I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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