I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
