come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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