her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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