we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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