My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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