He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
They took my balls.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
