You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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