I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
