I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
