but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
