after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
