I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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