OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize