6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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