He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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