I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
