I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
