i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
