new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
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How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
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I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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