They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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