I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
