Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
im six kinds of drunk right now
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
sarcasm needs its own font
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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