ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
