It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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