My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Bring me that man meat
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
