dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
