All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
