I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I am full of burrito and curiosity
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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