Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
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he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
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If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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