Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
