Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
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