i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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