hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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